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Patton Oswalt on Weight Watchers, being fat and out of shape 18 Aug 2013 | 07:04 am
I was in Weight Watchers for a while. I went to Weight Watchers, and it’s a great organization. But do you know what? Carbs and sugar doesn’t have a William S. Burroughs, or Keith Richards. All of my ...
Patton Oswalt on sweatpants swamp-ass and nut-fog 18 Aug 2013 | 06:46 am
I thought that the pinnacle of mankind would be a mars colony or teleportation. No, sweatpants. That was it, sweatpants. We started with fire, and the wheel, and writing, agriculture, penicillin. Swe...
Jim Gaffigan on Bologna 11 Aug 2013 | 06:47 pm
I like all kinds of meat, even bologna. “I knew he was white trash.” I don’t even know if bologna is a meat. I don’t think meat is supposed to catch on fire like that. What’s interesting about bolog...
Jim Gaffigan on Waffle House 11 Aug 2013 | 06:37 pm
Speaking of diapers, I went to Waffle House last night. I tell you, I thought the IHOP was a dump until I went into a Waffle House. Wow, they’re not even trying in there. Here’s something you’ll neve...
The only bad part about bacon 11 Aug 2013 | 06:19 pm
The only bad part about bacon is it makes you thirsty for more bacon. I never feel like I get enough bacon. At breakfast it’s like they’re rationing it. “Here’s your two strips of bacon. I want more, ...
Jim Gaffigan on camping 27 Jul 2013 | 06:12 pm
I went camping recently…for this next joke. I married a woman who loves to camp and I’m what you call indoorsy. I’m surprised we can still get people to camp. Hey, want to burn a couple vacation day...
Jim Gaffigan on the sport of Bowling 27 Jul 2013 | 06:02 pm
I went bowling. I don’t mean to brag. Really there are two types of people that go bowling. There are people that really, really love bowling, and there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be h...
Jim Gaffigan on Jesus, God, Catholics, and Church. 27 Jul 2013 | 05:30 pm
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That’s why I like to talk to you about Jesus. He better not. It doesn’t matter if you’re religious or not. Does anything make you feel more uncomfortable than...
Tonight’s the night. It’s going to happen again and again. 1 Jul 2013 | 02:15 am
Tonight’s the night. It’s going to happen again and again. Has to happen. Nice night. Miami is a great town. I love the Cuban food and pork sandwhiches, my favorite. But I’m hungry for something diffe...
Harry and Dorris Morgan did a wonderful job raising me 1 Jul 2013 | 02:13 am
Harry and Dorris Morgan did a wonderful job raising me. But they’re both dead now. I didn’t kill them. Honest.
