I have agreed to give up nuclear weapons 2 Mar 2012 | 05:43 am

I have agreed with the US to give up nuclear weapons in exchange for an iPad 3.

I was sitting on the train this morning… 25 Nov 2011 | 03:13 pm

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai girl. I thought to myself, “Please don’t get an erection. Please don’t get an erection.” But she did.

Sex Face 25 Nov 2011 | 03:09 pm

I may be schizophrenic… 25 Nov 2011 | 03:04 pm

…but at least I have each other.

No, I’m not high mom… 14 Nov 2011 | 07:16 am

…please believe me.

Stop following me you fucking freaks 14 Nov 2011 | 06:55 am

Where the fuck am I? 14 Nov 2011 | 06:49 am

When Light Goes Wrong 13 Nov 2011 | 05:11 am

A: Awwww, this is a really cute picture! B: This might be inappropriate, but the light on your right knee makes you look like you have a very long penis.

After a Wild and Crazy Night… 12 Nov 2011 | 10:29 am

…did you ever wake up in the wrong bed?

I Can Crack Every Bone In My Body 10 Nov 2011 | 02:23 am

A: I can crack every bone in my body. B: What a coincidence – I can bone every crack in your body.